I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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