Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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