just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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