very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
