I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
