Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
She's not a foreskin expert like you
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
