saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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