my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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