New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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