so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
