I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
