just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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