We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
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