My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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