FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
