well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
