Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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