Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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