if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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