Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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