If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
