she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
we should paint friendship bongs
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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