It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
my being single is dangerous.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
