Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
