I want to walk on stilts...naked
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
