it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Drake has all the answers
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
