We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
