She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Pants are for mortals
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
