Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
