we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
