Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
