Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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