ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
