You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
