yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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