I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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