We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Vodka?
Forever.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
