do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
be right there i have to get my cape
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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