Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
