my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
