Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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