Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
