I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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