oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
