Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
