you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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