I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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