Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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