After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
