Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
