I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
